Just need to vent...

I read something about someone saying they felt guilty cause they planned a baby and didn't realize they couldn't afford everything right now. The second I read that I instantly thought, and I planned a baby without really thinking if this was something we could do as a family, mentally. Not that it never crossed my mind, cause it did a lot. But my end thought was always, I don't care, I need to experience this for myself. The whole having a baby with someone I love, someone to hold my hand through it all. I never once thought I would be almost 7 months pregnant and regretting it all. I had a feeling the kids would act out as it got closer, or when he arrived. I never imagined that Taylors needs would completely take a turn for the worst. How can I handle a newborn, when I have to do all this stuff for/with Taylor. We were doing so well and it just turned, and its doesn't seem to be turning back. On top of that I really miss jakes old job. Yes of course the money at his new job is more then awesome, but his attitude is so different and almost unbearable. I get yelled at all the time, for nothing. I get told I am the reason Taylor has a such a shitty attitude. I am fucking exhausted with all this crap that I just don't wanna do it anymore. And I try to keep a positive attitude, but really its getting way to hard again. I feel like we are back at the beginning. I do not think we were the best choice for him anymore, he would have had a better life living with his grandma, He has a dad who is never around and when he is he doesn't chose to spend any real time with him. The one time he did spend one on one time with him he freaking lost it and ended up yelling at me telling me how outta control taylor is and how he needs to be medicated, and all this other crap. And how its MY responsibility to make it happen. Why is all this put on me??? Why did I ever jump into this damn mess. I sure as hell can't handle it. I don't know how I have managed this far, lots of tears and pulling at my own hair, Lots of nights planning my escape. Now there is no escape cause I am bringing an innocent little child into this mess of life. It would have been a lot easier to run before, before we said "Till death do us part." I am at a total loss of what to do...why the hell hasn't anyone invented time travel????

It's a Vicious Cycle...

Some days I really sit back and wonder, WTF did I get myself into. Would life be easier, back in my old place, just my 2 kids and myself, and where would I be now if I had chosen that path. Would I be full of so much stress and anxiety? I know I wouldn't have the luxury of things I now have. I would probably still be driving around my old suzuki with a leak that only came up the drivers side carpet. I love, love, love my husband and all he does for us. But there are days where I really hate, hate, hate being a mom. Its a vicious cycle...
Ever since my youngest was born, I have begged and pleaded with my oldest to please be good and set a good example for his brother. It went well, then life changed in a big way and we got my middle son, and that is when my oldest really took a turn for the worst. Taylor required a lot of attention, with all the crap that happened to him. He was all out of sorts and had a very hard time with rules. So when Tayten seen this he apparently decided he no longer needed to listen or set an example either. 3 years later...we are still having the same issue. Only Taylor has improved a lot in different areas. But what he has taught Brodie is not good. It goes a little something like this...
Tayten whines and sulks when he can't get his way and will ask "why" in a very rude tone. Some days he will even cry if he is have a bad day. Pretty easy to deal with right? But then he doesn't get his way, so he goes back to the room and starts initiating problems. He is genius at this. He does it so sneaky and quietly so he is never the one to get in trouble, then laughs when his brothers get in trouble. What an awesome example he sets for his brothers right??? Him and Taylor just do not get along at all!!! Speaking of, lets go there, shall we...
Taylor, whines, cries, argues, and lately has an excuse for everything. When he can't get his way he scream "aawww, I wanna go to my grandmas." which Brodie started doing about a year ago after he started being a little punk. Scream all you want about wanting grandma, its not happening. But Taylors favorite thing to do, is get in Tayten face and make stupid noises or words, can't really tell, that make Tayten cry. Tayten likes to be left alone apparently, and Taylor thinks its just hilarious to do this, even when Tayten hits or tries to defend himself against Taylor, Taylor just laughs. Unfortanetly, Brodie also thinks this is hilarious and joins in. So its 2 against 1. You would think Tayten being the oldest, would just learn to ignore them, like we have told him a million times. But no he cries and whines and if anything that just leads them on. So this leads me to Brodie...
Brodie was the sweetest, kindest little boy ever. Till he hit like 3 and half. Now he is a freaking monster. Most the time its actually really funny, but we try not to let him see that we think so. Anyways...This is what i mean when I say its a vicious cycle, cause what do you think the older 2 have taught him?? 1. How to cry for grandma when he doesn't get his way. 2. To pick on the weaker sibling. 3. To start a freaking riot.
When Tayten is at school and Taylor is actually being good, Brodie LOVES to go in and pick on Taylor. Doing everything he possibly can to piss Taylor off, Doesn't take much, unless Taylor wants to fight back, which really isn't that often. And when Brodie picks on Taylor, Taylor acts like Tayten. Hovering in a corner crying and whining.
So to keep my sanity I try and keep them all separated, but in a 2 bedroom apartment its pretty hard to do. I can usually do it during the day. But the second I turn my back one of them will be sneaking around getting ready to start something with the other. So I can only day dream about what it would have been like had Tayten actually set a good example, Or had I stayed a single mom of 2. And now I wonder how life will be when Noah gets here...

Side note for anyone who may read this, Yes my kids are disciplined for this behavior. I do time out and I do them constantly...but 3 years and times outs have not worked! They keep up this behavior regardless of the consequences..I guess its just boys being boys!

Time out...Is pointless.

Someone send in supernanny cause time out isn't cutting it! I consistently use this method, and seriously I am about to throw in the towel! I've been using this method for years as well. Its nothing like it is in the show. And lately its became worse! This is how its been going down with my middle son (the one with special needs) all week.
Me-"Taylor thats your 3rd warning go to time out."
....
Me-"Seriously Taylor time out now."
Taylor-(not even in time out yet)"AWWW I WANNA GET OUT OF TIME OUT."
Me-"your not even there yet, now go."
Him-"Aww i wanna get out, awww i wanna get out. I need to go potty, I need to go potty..."
Me-"no you don't now stop and stand there right" (as he is dancing around, making weird faces, weird movements)
Him-"But i wanna get out. I am Hot, I am itchy. I need to go potty. I wanna get out." (i'll ignore him for a few minutes. while he drags on) "I am hot, I am hot, I am itchy."
He continues to dance around, itching, pulling on his clothes. I continue to get mad, but just ignore it.
Our rule is you stand in time out for the length of your age in minutes for him 5 minutes. But if you can't stand there quiet and proper then you stay there longer. Probably not the best method but its the one we have always done. And it use to be just one reminder for him. But the past 2 weeks, he has been on a down hill slide, where listening to dad or me is just not something he wants to do. His behavior teacher thinks its just a phase. I sure as hell hope so, cause my pregnant hormones can't take much more. Sadly my youngest picks up what he does and thinks he can do the same in time out. Ok boys, its just time out, you can do it without the fight, And hey if you would just follow rules there wouldn't be a time out. Thats something they have yet to figure out.
So what do you do when they have just given up and don't care...
I have no effin clue. I wanna give up, but i don't have the patience to...
And its not just time outs, its been everything lately. We simply asked Taylor to put his hand down cause he was holding it above brodies head acting like he was going to hit him, and he would not put his damn hand down, he sits there with this evil smile, and continues to push our buttons. Hell tonight at tball, 2 other kids complained about how he was bothering them without even touching them. Its a special talent of his i swear.
I am hoping I can get into a nutritionist soon, and see what natural remedies they have to work with. His teacher told me last week that she seriously believes his brain does not let him listen and focus the way he is suppose to. There is no reason a child at 5yo should have this hard of time listening and following rules. and we were doing so well....

A little more stress, hell why not.

Last week during our session with Taylor's special needs teacher she told me to start using happy and sad faces to try and lessen the whining and to try and make him follow rules better. Example...Taylor is fighting with me about wearing a light sweater cause its to warm for a winter coat. I say "Taylor you are making mommy mad, don't you want her to be happy?" he says yes but continues to throw a fit about wanting his winter coat. Ok I give up, pick my battles. Tried the happy/sad thing all week, it always ended up with him whining. At his meeting today they gave me a book with a 2 page section on whining, and seriously I have done everything those 2 pages said. If it wasn't so annoying and a social issue I would just give up!
There was that then, there is my oldest. He decided mid week that he was going to flip out and tell me he needs his own space and he just can't take it anymore! I can't give him his own space. I tried once, built a fake little wall in their room and he ruined it for himself. So i am not willing to try that again. But in a way i feel for the kid, he is 7 and the other two never ever leave him alone. Then again I don't know whats become of him. He gets bored after 15 minutes of his DS. Then he wonders around the house looking for something to do and irritating me. I give him ideas and he just whines and says "noo I'm just so bored." Well no shit kid find something to do!!! Not only is this happening at home but at school too!!! No, this can't happen!! He was always so smart at school and loved it. I don't understand.
So does a pregnancy really change kids this much. I expected once the baby was here things would be tough, But not right now.
To top this all of my use to be sweet husband has became just a big pain in the ass. But that's ok, apparently I can handle the stress, not like I really have a choice!

A little more history, along with where we are now.

Taylor is my add/autistic child. They ruled out ADHD this year, saying he isn't hyper, he just can't seem to focus on one thing at a time, or really pay attention to much. Which is really odd cause he is so so smart. He is almost smarter then my 7 yo. It really confuses even his teachers. But they are sticking with their recent diagnoses. We have yet to actually get a drs opinion. I have a feeling that's coming, cause at his last meeting I was explaining his non stop whining and they said maybe its time we get a dr involved. They don't understand the whining anymore then I do. We have been a very strict schedule for some time now. I regulate game playing time. So really all the boys, shouldn't have to argue with me. But they do. However...Taylor doesn't argue, he cries. Let me give a preview...
Me. "Taylor its time its time to turn off the Wii.
Taylor. whinny voice.."Awww I wanna play the Wii."
Me. "No Taylor, its been an hour, its time to turn it off and have some lunch."
Taylor. stilling whining "I wanna play the Wii. I wanna play the Wii, I wanna play the Wii." while walking to the table.
Me."What would you like for lunch?" trying to change the subject.
Taylor. "I wanna play the Wii."... and so on. for about 15 minutes. I end up just giving him what he gets every day for lunch then this happens, right after lunch.
Me. "shower time, go get in the shower.
Taylor. "AWWW I WANNA PLAY THE Wii."
Me. "I'm gonna throw the effin Wii out the damn window!" (yes mommy has a potty mouth)
Taylor. even louder "Aww I wanna play the Wii."
Me. "OMG TAYLOR, get in the shower, get ready for school." So he cries for a few minutes in the shower. and then we are over it, after the shower i let him watch tv for about 15-30 minutes before leaving for school. And you can only guess what happens there right...Only its not the wii its "i wanna watch tv."
So that was last week, and many, many weeks before. Some days where better then others and some days where worse. I thought last week was the worse it has been in a very long time. Well let tell you about this week. My 4yo, whose name is Brodie. Has decided that he really wants to become my most defiant child and disagree to everything I ask of him. This is so unusual  he use to be so good and so easy...ha not anymore. The boys have had me in tears all week. Along with Brodie there is Taylor, and like I said, I thought last week was bad...This week...Taylor has decided that he needs to put his shoes on the wrong feet then yell at me when i tell him they are wrong..He literally believes they are right, and they are not. After arguing i just fix them, which results in his kicking me. Also, along with his normal crying routine he has set, he has thrown in a whole new set of reasons to cry. Like he was playing with a toy and then stopped so his brother started playing with it, and he is just not okay with that, He decides he needs to scream and cry even more then before. He cries when I ask him why he is crying. He cries when I ask him to pick something up, or to go to bed. He cries all the time! Its only wenesday and I can not count the number of fits the 2 of them have had. But I can count the number of times I have cried and asked myself what the hell am I doing wrong?!?! that number is 5. I have no answers...but I try to stay positive, and I remember those moments he runs to me hugging me telling me "I'm the best mom in the world." Those moments are priceless and why I love being a mom!

Who I am.

I am a wife and mother in a house full of boys! A lot of people know my name but not my story. They know what they have heard, but they have no idea what I've been through.
So let me explain. I had my 1st child at 19 and no clue what I was doing and had a lot of help from my parents. I wasn't the smartest and made a lot of bad decisions. Including dating a physio-path for about 3 years. Whom donated his awesome sperm to me, making my 2nd boy. Along with that child came 6 months of weekly counseling to help me get through all the hell he put me through. Ladies if you are reading this...Domestic Violence is serious and should never ever be taken lightly...Just saying. Counseling was the best thing that ever happened to me. I really learned a lot and figured out who I wanted to be. Which wasn't just a single mom that guys could take advantage of. I learned how to be a better mother, and to take responsibility for my actions. I learned about men and the types to avoid. I chose to really watch who I dated after this and went for a simple, easy, and quiet boring one. That only lasted about 3 months. He decided having children was just too hard and then drove to California to pick up his ex. Which was just fine with me! After him, I was like ok maybe its just not time to date right now. Well shortly after I heard there was this guy who had a crush on me. I thought I knew a lot about this guy cause he dated my ex best friend, and I was way curious about him. I wanted to know if everything she said about him was true...and I'm just going to make a really long story here, short. He was nothing like she said. He was not doing drugs. He did not beat his child. He did not ever show signs of being abusive. He was the complete opposite of every thing she said. Today I call this man, Hubby.
And then there's the history with his ex, and my ex bestie. She on the other hand is a drug addict. And made our lifes a living hell for the first 6 months of our relationship. When their son was only 2 and half she decided smoking meth was better then watching him, and he was attacked by a dog. He looked like he was beat, but according to the police report, it was a small dog. This all lead up to hubby getting custody and a year later me adopting their son.
About my new son...(their son). I noticed he had some issues that my kids never had. He couldn't talk very well. He was just very...different. So I took him to be evaluated by the school district. They told me they suspected autism and adhd. His dad doesn't like to agree with any of this, and doesn't like to talk about it...
And this is why I am starting a blog/journal. My special needs child is now 5 and we have been on such a roller coaster ride, I just thought it would be nice to have a place where I can talk about my daily or weekly struggles. I have 3 boys. 4, 5, and 7. And for the 1st time in my life I am pregnant, and it was planned, and its with a person I love and adore. I am 17 weeks along, and its also a boy. I'm telling ya, a house full of boys. I hope if there are any other parents out there struggling that this will be a helpful place where we can laugh at our struggles and get through them together.