Sunday, May 6, 2012
Just need to vent...
I read something about someone saying they felt guilty cause they planned a baby and didn't realize they couldn't afford everything right now. The second I read that I instantly thought, and I planned a baby without really thinking if this was something we could do as a family, mentally. Not that it never crossed my mind, cause it did a lot. But my end thought was always, I don't care, I need to experience this for myself. The whole having a baby with someone I love, someone to hold my hand through it all. I never once thought I would be almost 7 months pregnant and regretting it all. I had a feeling the kids would act out as it got closer, or when he arrived. I never imagined that Taylors needs would completely take a turn for the worst. How can I handle a newborn, when I have to do all this stuff for/with Taylor. We were doing so well and it just turned, and its doesn't seem to be turning back. On top of that I really miss jakes old job. Yes of course the money at his new job is more then awesome, but his attitude is so different and almost unbearable. I get yelled at all the time, for nothing. I get told I am the reason Taylor has a such a shitty attitude. I am fucking exhausted with all this crap that I just don't wanna do it anymore. And I try to keep a positive attitude, but really its getting way to hard again. I feel like we are back at the beginning. I do not think we were the best choice for him anymore, he would have had a better life living with his grandma, He has a dad who is never around and when he is he doesn't chose to spend any real time with him. The one time he did spend one on one time with him he freaking lost it and ended up yelling at me telling me how outta control taylor is and how he needs to be medicated, and all this other crap. And how its MY responsibility to make it happen. Why is all this put on me??? Why did I ever jump into this damn mess. I sure as hell can't handle it. I don't know how I have managed this far, lots of tears and pulling at my own hair, Lots of nights planning my escape. Now there is no escape cause I am bringing an innocent little child into this mess of life. It would have been a lot easier to run before, before we said "Till death do us part." I am at a total loss of what to do...why the hell hasn't anyone invented time travel????
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
It's a Vicious Cycle...
Some days I really sit back and wonder, WTF did I get myself into. Would life be easier, back in my old place, just my 2 kids and myself, and where would I be now if I had chosen that path. Would I be full of so much stress and anxiety? I know I wouldn't have the luxury of things I now have. I would probably still be driving around my old suzuki with a leak that only came up the drivers side carpet. I love, love, love my husband and all he does for us. But there are days where I really hate, hate, hate being a mom. Its a vicious cycle...
Ever since my youngest was born, I have begged and pleaded with my oldest to please be good and set a good example for his brother. It went well, then life changed in a big way and we got my middle son, and that is when my oldest really took a turn for the worst. Taylor required a lot of attention, with all the crap that happened to him. He was all out of sorts and had a very hard time with rules. So when Tayten seen this he apparently decided he no longer needed to listen or set an example either. 3 years later...we are still having the same issue. Only Taylor has improved a lot in different areas. But what he has taught Brodie is not good. It goes a little something like this...
Tayten whines and sulks when he can't get his way and will ask "why" in a very rude tone. Some days he will even cry if he is have a bad day. Pretty easy to deal with right? But then he doesn't get his way, so he goes back to the room and starts initiating problems. He is genius at this. He does it so sneaky and quietly so he is never the one to get in trouble, then laughs when his brothers get in trouble. What an awesome example he sets for his brothers right??? Him and Taylor just do not get along at all!!! Speaking of, lets go there, shall we...
Taylor, whines, cries, argues, and lately has an excuse for everything. When he can't get his way he scream "aawww, I wanna go to my grandmas." which Brodie started doing about a year ago after he started being a little punk. Scream all you want about wanting grandma, its not happening. But Taylors favorite thing to do, is get in Tayten face and make stupid noises or words, can't really tell, that make Tayten cry. Tayten likes to be left alone apparently, and Taylor thinks its just hilarious to do this, even when Tayten hits or tries to defend himself against Taylor, Taylor just laughs. Unfortanetly, Brodie also thinks this is hilarious and joins in. So its 2 against 1. You would think Tayten being the oldest, would just learn to ignore them, like we have told him a million times. But no he cries and whines and if anything that just leads them on. So this leads me to Brodie...
Brodie was the sweetest, kindest little boy ever. Till he hit like 3 and half. Now he is a freaking monster. Most the time its actually really funny, but we try not to let him see that we think so. Anyways...This is what i mean when I say its a vicious cycle, cause what do you think the older 2 have taught him?? 1. How to cry for grandma when he doesn't get his way. 2. To pick on the weaker sibling. 3. To start a freaking riot.
When Tayten is at school and Taylor is actually being good, Brodie LOVES to go in and pick on Taylor. Doing everything he possibly can to piss Taylor off, Doesn't take much, unless Taylor wants to fight back, which really isn't that often. And when Brodie picks on Taylor, Taylor acts like Tayten. Hovering in a corner crying and whining.
So to keep my sanity I try and keep them all separated, but in a 2 bedroom apartment its pretty hard to do. I can usually do it during the day. But the second I turn my back one of them will be sneaking around getting ready to start something with the other. So I can only day dream about what it would have been like had Tayten actually set a good example, Or had I stayed a single mom of 2. And now I wonder how life will be when Noah gets here...
Side note for anyone who may read this, Yes my kids are disciplined for this behavior. I do time out and I do them constantly...but 3 years and times outs have not worked! They keep up this behavior regardless of the consequences..I guess its just boys being boys!
Ever since my youngest was born, I have begged and pleaded with my oldest to please be good and set a good example for his brother. It went well, then life changed in a big way and we got my middle son, and that is when my oldest really took a turn for the worst. Taylor required a lot of attention, with all the crap that happened to him. He was all out of sorts and had a very hard time with rules. So when Tayten seen this he apparently decided he no longer needed to listen or set an example either. 3 years later...we are still having the same issue. Only Taylor has improved a lot in different areas. But what he has taught Brodie is not good. It goes a little something like this...
Tayten whines and sulks when he can't get his way and will ask "why" in a very rude tone. Some days he will even cry if he is have a bad day. Pretty easy to deal with right? But then he doesn't get his way, so he goes back to the room and starts initiating problems. He is genius at this. He does it so sneaky and quietly so he is never the one to get in trouble, then laughs when his brothers get in trouble. What an awesome example he sets for his brothers right??? Him and Taylor just do not get along at all!!! Speaking of, lets go there, shall we...
Taylor, whines, cries, argues, and lately has an excuse for everything. When he can't get his way he scream "aawww, I wanna go to my grandmas." which Brodie started doing about a year ago after he started being a little punk. Scream all you want about wanting grandma, its not happening. But Taylors favorite thing to do, is get in Tayten face and make stupid noises or words, can't really tell, that make Tayten cry. Tayten likes to be left alone apparently, and Taylor thinks its just hilarious to do this, even when Tayten hits or tries to defend himself against Taylor, Taylor just laughs. Unfortanetly, Brodie also thinks this is hilarious and joins in. So its 2 against 1. You would think Tayten being the oldest, would just learn to ignore them, like we have told him a million times. But no he cries and whines and if anything that just leads them on. So this leads me to Brodie...
Brodie was the sweetest, kindest little boy ever. Till he hit like 3 and half. Now he is a freaking monster. Most the time its actually really funny, but we try not to let him see that we think so. Anyways...This is what i mean when I say its a vicious cycle, cause what do you think the older 2 have taught him?? 1. How to cry for grandma when he doesn't get his way. 2. To pick on the weaker sibling. 3. To start a freaking riot.
When Tayten is at school and Taylor is actually being good, Brodie LOVES to go in and pick on Taylor. Doing everything he possibly can to piss Taylor off, Doesn't take much, unless Taylor wants to fight back, which really isn't that often. And when Brodie picks on Taylor, Taylor acts like Tayten. Hovering in a corner crying and whining.
So to keep my sanity I try and keep them all separated, but in a 2 bedroom apartment its pretty hard to do. I can usually do it during the day. But the second I turn my back one of them will be sneaking around getting ready to start something with the other. So I can only day dream about what it would have been like had Tayten actually set a good example, Or had I stayed a single mom of 2. And now I wonder how life will be when Noah gets here...
Side note for anyone who may read this, Yes my kids are disciplined for this behavior. I do time out and I do them constantly...but 3 years and times outs have not worked! They keep up this behavior regardless of the consequences..I guess its just boys being boys!
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